Invisible Ilness / Rapid Cycling - The Suicidal Smiler

HAHA - What a great enticing header I write as I literally sit here dribbling - oh - The dribbling its getting worse - but so funny as I don't know i'm doing it till its dripping - and oh if your sat opposite me eating your bacon sarnie - 

WHEW WHEW - FREE BACON SARNIE FOR ME !!! - 

lmao - Well - what a title and what an opener- bet you were not expecting that - but - with me - expect the unexpected !! - ALWAYS !! and actually - that's a good thing - i like that about me ! - I like to keep people on their toes ;) !!

Well invisible illness can be mental, physical, or both. There usually aren’t too many outward signs of said illness, which is why the phrase “but you don’t look sick” is both widespread and completely missing the point.

Take me, for instance.

I look like a rather healthy and young person, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHUSH - i do i do i do !! - OK OK - I look like a LARGE gorgeous sexy lady, but - my point it - i don't 'look' ill ! 

And yet, I have maybe eight invisible illnesses. 

What a bloody week - actually - what a few bloody weeks - SHITE - that's what they have been  - BUT - you STILL have to see the wood for the sea - or whatever that saying is !! Cause that's a thing i have issues with - ONE OF THE OTHER THINGS i have 'issues' with - Sayings !!- OMG - I can never remember the right way round for em - and that one it's own could be a whole blog ! But - I won't digress so early !! = WHAT WOULD BE THE FUN IN THAT !! 

BACKGROUND- ( Very short - as many of u know - I do ramble on ! ) 

FOR THOSE THAT DON'T KNOW ME !! : I am a 43 year old Hypothyroid sufferer 

- Oh - I don't like the usage of the word sufferer = People in Ethiopia are sufferer's, 

Not me = Can I say that ? - Is that PC - Oh well - just done it ! - or should that be did it ? 

Anyways I have Hypothyroidism, PTSD and Tumours on my Pituitary Gland ( Brain ) that come and go, This has the unhelpful effect, causing my brain to shut down, if too much info goes in - basically chat to me about anything too much - and i will switch off !!! Handy if i find you boring - ( Like Fishermen - OMG - BLOODY FISHERMEN - They are so boring  !) 

REALLY !! - i'm not joking - my whole head just gives up - and I start to slur my speech - make up words - go giddy - can't think - can't stand - Oh a whole host of symptoms !! - Each as great as the first !! Its really rather SHIT - BUT - I TRY - when i'm me - To be POSITIVE AND FRIENDLY AND OPEN AND HONEST AND UNIQUE - oh i'm that anyways ! - 

ok - erm - INSPIRATIONAL !! = YES I like that - I wanna be INSPIRATIONAL !!!!

But Another symptom I have is Depression - Mixed with a whole host of Anxiety and Paranoia and Duel Personality I think they called it - Leading me into having RAPID CYCLES of mixed Emotions - ( Please see video !! ) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTPZSOYb2w

Apparently sometimes my videos can be hard to watch - well - FOR YOU PUSSIES - not for me - as I BLOODY LIVE IT !!! Ohh it does make me mad when someone says " i'm sorry i can't watch your video. it's too upsetting for me" 

OMFG MATE - I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS DAY IN / DAY OUT !!! = Oh and did you see the change there - lol - immediate anger and even my CAPS LOCK WENT ON !!! THAT IS ANGRY !

But - watch the video - PLEASE - it's not that long !! - OK OK - THAT long !!! - Just look at the emotions that are being shown - 

Smiley, Happy me is actually so OTT trying to make everyone else feel good - so that i can forget !

Smiling isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you’re in pain. It’s not the first thing I think to do. When i'm in pain, you will find my face in a discomforting, tight grimace with my forehead wrinkling — turning a slight shade of pink,  maybe the rather purple and then red - eyes tightly closed seeing bursts of stars, and my mouth clamped shut and stretched wide causing my cheeks to take up real estate with my eyes. Maybe a tear or two, or a full-blown waterfall. 

No matter what type of pain I’m in, physical or emotional, it hurts. 

How can one smile through all of that? Honestly, I have no idea! But I try. I’m not always successful and I find myself spiralling into depression, despair, and self-pity. and OMG the self pity is terrible - Thankfully, though, as the pain slowly subsides over a couple ................................  - awww - you thought i was going to say days - for most people it would be days - but when you Rapid Cycle ( and no - i don't mean on a push bike ! ) you can go through many emotions within minutes !!! - Seriously - Minutes !

Generally, I’m a very optimistic and positive person, bright and happy… until I found a level of pain - once again physical or emotional - that anchors me to the bottom of the depths .. and wow - THAT IS IMMENSE !

Usually and thankfully for me - i come through it very very quickly - for others this is UNBELIEVABLY TIRING !! To have someone actually wanting to commit suicide one minute and then singing - full voice ( and very beautifully i have to say ) the next, is a very very bizarre experience ! This then leads on to laughing - laughter at how ridiculous the whole situation is - and wow - Laughter really is the best medicine !

How on earth does laughing help when you are in pain - or when you are wanting to end it all ?

Laughter sets off a chain reaction throughout your whole body that promotes physical and psychological health. Yeah it's true - Regular and frequent guffawing - you know - a good olde belly laugh - can both prevent illness and help you feel so so much better. 

Laughter lowers your body's hormone and cortisol levels. ( Cortisol - linked to the blinking Pituitary Gland ! - is a stress-induced chemical that can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure and excess belly fat.) Laughter also strengthens your immune system because it increases the production of antibodies in your saliva and in your bloodstream to stave off bacteria, viruses and parasites. 

After you're done hooting and howling, you get an added bonus -- It's relaxation time - For most people - but with Pituitary patients - we usually start on over again !! We very rarely 'relax' !!

I hate people who complain, “I need a nap”, “I need some caffeine, I have a headache”, “I have pms cramps”, or even better… “I have a cold… I am Ddddddyyyiing!”. These expressions need to be banned, because they do not adequately describe how you are feeling and they belittle what pain and sickness others may be feeling.

I  also hate having to defend that I am a good mother,  daughter, sister, or friend.

Most of all lately, I hate people who judge, and give me advice, or questioning stares of how I handle my diagnosis, or my life. Have you done this - have you tried that - I know a person who cured his illness by going on this diet - ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Most of my illness's are things people have never heard of, or ones that people didn’t realise could apply to people like me - and so - they think it's being put on - but when i say this - they think i'm paranoid !!! 

Basically I hate letting people see the effects of my disease. I don’t care if they know that I’m sick, I just don’t want them to have to see it, or deal with it - so i smile - Smile in a low while thinking how many pills it would take to pop !! 

When you don’t realise that it’s never just one thing affecting our health, but everything, then you can better understand our fatigue, our depression, why we say we can’t do certain things - We are NOT making things up cause we are lazy !

In many cases, it’s healthier for us not to push through our pain. It’s better not to force ourselves into uncomfortable situations.

My Main issue at the moment - is my weight - i have put on even more since starting a drug to help with my tumours - and omg - the drug was working - but - i put on weight - LOADS OF WEIGHT - and NOW - i can hardly walk - and am in immense pain almost constantly - I start walking and i'm giddy . i cant look left or right because it makes my head fuzzy - on top of that - i'm out of breath because of the added weight So all i get is 'helpful people' telling me to '' Just lose weight  - Stop the overeating - dont eat all those pies - " = OVEREAT - IF ONLY !! 

I'm on less than 1'500 Calories a day 

I would LOVE to lose weight but - physically can't because of the giddiness / pain - and it's not a pain you can push through ... ohhh i know - I've tried - but - i still try - and i still laugh and i still .... fall over because i'm so bloody clumsy ! 

So - Next time you see someone Laughing - just that little too much - pause for thought !